“I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know who to confide in Deola. I think I want a divorce”. She said amidst tears
On my way home, I couldn’t help but think of the moral decedance in the society we live in today. What is this world turning into? Ofcourse Temi is inexperienced in bed because she kept herself until the night of her wedding…any man would be elated and happy about that. Why is Kunle making life difficult for her because she isn’t a pro yet? Why are some men callous and inconsiderate? Why can’t they discuss as partners on what they feel will satisfy them both?
I heard about the Game recently. I know what some of you might be thinking…..the game? Exactly the same expression I had on when Dotun was advising me on how to keep my man when I eventually meet him. “You see Deola, you need to know about the rules of engagement AKA the game” Apparently when the game is being played, it is not to be played against each other, it is to be played to keep each other interested. The game is to be played at the initial stage of a relationship when boy meets girl or vice versa. What is wrong in me calling if I want to speak to him four times in a day? What is wrong if I pick his calls every time? Is there anything wrong in making time to go on dates with him? What is wrong if I make a quick trip abroad and I decide to buy him something? After all, he knew I travelled and it would be cruel of me not to at least buy a bottle of the latest fragrance. “Never, Never, Never!” Dotun screamed as though I had just failed the most important course in life. “Why would you want to do that? You are only pushing him away from you. Believe me, I am a man!” The look on my face was that of utter shock and perplexity. But I have a bottle of perfume in the car I intend to give Dare – a guy who I recently met. “Use it” he exclaimed. “Well, I can’t use it because it’s for men” rolling my eyes at him, why must I follow his silly rules anyways. I learnt a lot from Dotun that day and as the word says – “iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend”. To show my appreciation, I left the bottle of perfume on the dining table and a note saying “thank you”.
Question is; should we really be playing games at this age and stage of life? A colleague of mine was recently relating a story of how her sister met a guy a week ago and they had already gone on 3 dates and on the way to the 4th. The guys in the office busted out laughing and one of them asked, “Four dates in one week! Why is she making herself so readily available?” I dropped everything I was doing and listened rapidly – this was exactly what Dotun had earlier said to me. So these rules of engagement actually exist and people knew about them. Interestingly, I remember the book called The Rules written by two female authors who outlined rules women should follow if they wanted to keep their men. The book created a lot of buzz back then and got both the female and male populace angry because though the men believed women should conduct themselves the way The Rules suggested, they just didn’t like to know their women were following an instruction manual and the women on the other hand were intimidated and overwhelmed by their own inability to live up to what seemed to be difficult standards. Pheew!!
“Even though it’s what you feel, is it necessary to tell him that on the first date?”Great words by Oprah; I couldn’t agree with her more. Remember, the game is to keep both of you interested and wanting to see more of each other. As much as you would like to speak to him every second, control yourself please. Men like a bit of space, keeps the chase a tad adventurous. Allow him to discover you slowly. “What do I do then if I’m not talking to him? How do I know if he had lunch/breakfast?” Get a life! For goodness sake, why are you asking if he had breakfast or not? Let’s imagine you work in a corporate environment – would you leave your job, go home and cook for him? Obviously not! You are only asking because you want him to think you care. He hasn’t even asked you out, let alone marry you and you are acting like a Mother Hen. No! You don’t have to be all apologetic for missing his calls when you honestly were not available to answer it. If he really wants to talk to you, he would call back. Men are made to be hunters and not to be hunted down. It is their genetic disposition to chase you simply because it excites and gratifies them so in all your getting, please get wisdom.
And you know I can’t end this without drawing strength from the spiritual. Life and everything in it is spiritual. Whilst you are waiting for that guy to hunt you down, get busy with purpose. Don’t be idle, men like women who are doing something. They don’t need a burden or a liability. Discover your purpose and run with it. You’d be surprised at how quickly everything falls in place. So when next you feel the urge to be a bug a boo – remember the rules of engagement.
Wow!!! it’s been 3 long years I posted on this blog……..I want to thank all those who have sent me personal message, sent comments asking about whats going on with my writings? Nothing happened except for LIFE!!………Moved home to Nigeria and its been so hectic – career, personal stuff etc. I never left this site and every once in a while, I log in to approve comments. I thank God for where He has brought me so far and where He is taking me.
The article – Genotype question has brought so much traffic to this site and again, i thank you all for your wonderful comments. For those who asked questions, i sent personal emails to some of you. And i hope it helped someway.
I am glad to be back and I have so so much to write.
I remember the first time I saw the theme of this article – it was from a friend’s blog. She had written a fantasy novel and titled it “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. At first, I really didn’t understand what the title meant until week after week, she unraveled the mystery and suspense of the novel. I thought; what could a man do to a woman that will make her go to the extent of cooking up a deadly revenge for years? How bad can a man make a woman go insane because of love? What can make hell’s fury seem like a burning ant next to a scorned woman? I have been told never to judge unless I can put myself in the shoes of those am judging and wonder what I would have done in their position? Choices, like they say is in our hands – the ability to choose right from wrong or in this case, should I say ability to discern a human being from a snake.
She had been in two or three odd relationships and had decided to put a stop to it till she found the ‘one’. The one who would finally sweep her off her feet and ask the question every girl wants to hear at a certain time of her life – “Will you marry me?” Life was perfect; Teni had found a good job and was finally moving back home to pursue her career. Being single for two years had made her heart frozen to the idea of a relationship. A couple of days in Nigeria and Jabbar was to be the man Teni had been waiting for all her life. She was a bit skeptical because she had heard a lot of stories about guys in this part of the world being ‘players’ but the reverse was the case for Jabbar. He wasn’t the typical guy she would date but spending more & more time with him made him the perfect thing since slice bread. He made her laugh (one thing she always looked for in a life partner), puts her first in everything and gave her the attention she deserved. Teni, couldn’t answer what was to be the most difficult question in her life – Jabbar wanted something she just couldn’t give him – a relationship.
She just couldn’t get over the fact that it wasn’t right to be yoked to someone who had shown her what ‘love’ was all about. She had grown to love him despite their many differences and backgrounds; her family was fond of him and vice versa. Jabbar was not going to take ‘No’ for an answer, he was persistent – she remembered clearly, that particular day, the day that will soon be the day she would regret for the rest of her life. The day she took matters into her own hands, the day she decided to let her heart make the worst decision probably to be recorded in the life of an innocent girl. He came visiting as usual, he was standing in the middle of her living room with tears in his eyes “Teni, I can’t let go off you! I can not take no for an answer again, we will sort out the religious aspect when we get to that bridge, worse comes to worse, we will stick to our religion, no one has to change for another. I just want you in my life.” It was the sweetest thing she had heard in a long time. She liked the idea he wasn’t forcing her to change to Islam, how could she say ‘No’ besides she was head over heels in love.
To be continued!
What a good year this is going to be. Singles, get ready, get ready, get ready. I am so excited! This is a message from God’s heart to you this year. I got this word in my spirit at the beginning of December last year but wasn’t really sure if I needed to write it for December or January. I kept getting the prompting it was for January – I still was not very sure because it isn’t the regular “singles article” (you now what I mean) but this morning just as I was wondering what God wanted to say to the singles in the first month of 2008; there in front of me – the same word I got in my spirit a few weeks back, the same word that rang through my mind the previous night was starring right at me in my daily devotional. Singles, this is your year!
For a few seconds, forget the fact that you do not have a partner yet and for those with partners – give thanks to God! As long as you have not said your marriage vows – you are still a single and as far as I am concerned; a single out there needs to hear this word. God is saying to you this year – “Enlarge the place of your tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of your habitations: spare not, lengthen your cords, and strengthen your stakes”. I know you have read it so many times but please allow me to explain what God is saying to you.
What is it that you want to become? What have you ever thought of achieving? What were those goals you failed to accomplish last year because you could not imagine yourself do? The bible says; as far as your eyes can see, I will give it to you – What can your eyes see? What are your eyes seeing? Singles – Broaden your horizons. Spare not – Can you imagine it? The bible says whatever a man thinketh, so he is – What are you thinking? Spare not your imagination (excuse my English). Another version says, Do not hold back – You can have what you say with your mouth. Use your mouth to chat the course of your life. The word of God is very powerful – use the word to create the world you want to live in.
Are you comfortable where you are now? Don’t be. Wherever you are in life, never think you have gotten all there is to get. My dears, there are depths in God. You know when God said in Jeremiah – I am the God of all flesh, is anything to hard for me? Oh my! Oh my! I feel like jumping up and down…as simple as that verse seems, it is powerful!! Your God is powerful…when I say that verse over and over in my mind – I feel an explosion within me. Let the word of God and your faith work for you this year.
With your God – Nothing is impossible! That is why God said there is nothing impossible with him – because he created you and there is nothing to big your mind can cook up that HE can not do. You need to re-read that last sentence again. This is so good; I will have to read my own article again. How can I convey my excitement to you! I am excited for us this year. In saying all this, you need to be careful what you say with your mouth this year – remember that long thing between your mouth holds the power to life and death. I know many of us say it,– “There are no guys in this country, there are no ladies in this church, blah blah…” keep saying that and you won’ find any man or woman even if they step up right to your face. Learn to make positive confessions. Let’s rebuke apathy this year – you want to stand before kings? Be diligent with your work this year. What are the talents God has given you? Utilize them fully. Prioritise you work – I couldn’t accomplish a few of my goals last year due to misplaced priorities.
Things are going to be different this year; I’m determined to accomplish my set goals for the year by the grace of God. You want to know the first word God said to man –“Be fruithful and multiply”. I like the way the message bible translates it, watch this – “God blessed them and said “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge!” In every situation you find yourself – keep the faith. When Jesus hung on the cross and said “it is finished” He didn’t just say that for saying sake – He was saying whatever you situation you face, know that you are an overcomer already because the battle has been fought and won. Stand on the authority God has given you. Singles – I dare you to expand your vision this year! I dare you to think big! I dare you to lengthen your cords! I dare you to strengthen your stakes! I dare you not to hold back! I dare you to be fruitful! I dare you to take charge! Get ready ……you are in for a ride! Remember – as far as your eyes can see!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to 2008.
It is that time of the year – the time when you sit and reflect on how many of your numerous requests and promises have been fulfilled, how many of your goals have been actioned and how many of your prayers have been answered. Just like you, I have also brought out my note pad and ticked goals I have achieved and the ones I’ve failed to achieve this year due to lethargy and misplaced priorities.
During the year, some have stumbled & failed in their relationship but still maintained the desire and zeal to make it what it used to be, some have finally said ‘I do’, some have come out of relationships they thought will lead to marriage, others have found the one they intend to take to the altar and spend the rest of their lives with and some are still in the current situation they were this time last year – No partner ‘yet’. In all things, let’s give thanks.
I have titled this article ‘Issues’ because what I’m about to share with you will go a long way in helping you. No matter what stage you are in, whether you are quarter to getting married or haven’t met the right person. Sit back, relax, grab a bowl of popcorn if you wish and reflect on these scenarios. If the shoe fits – wear it and make up your mind not to allow any of the below issues follow you into the New Year.
Scenario 1 – Balance
She remembered how Dan had climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean to win her heart. He was the hunter and she was the prey. Like a man, he had wrestled her heart to the floor, pinned it down and never took no for an answer. She loved his determination and it wasn’t long before she finally agreed to date him. They had been dating for two years and everything had been perfect until he got a double promotion at work. He hardly calls and if he does – it’s just a quick one to explain why he had to cancel dinner or why he wouldn’t be able to stay on the phone for more than a minute. She was happy he got a promotion, afterall they had been praying for it – what she could not understand was why he couldn’t have balance. Amy searched for the Dan she had walked into love with but couldn’t find him. She thought back to when last she saw him – 5 months ago. She remembered the last conversation she had with him and all that kept coming to her was his response to the whole situation, “I am just very busy.” She thought out loud, “Will he be able to balance family life, work & ministry when we get married?” The thought brought shivers to her spine.
Scenario 2 – Appearance
Larry needed to talk to someone urgently. He needed to pour his heart out before he looses his mind. He decided to take a quick drive to Dan’s house. His mind glanced back to the last time he saw Melinda – he couldn’t believe his eyes. It grew worse with every passing day and he could not bear to see her that way anymore. She was fast evolving from a doll to a troll. She had become too comfortable in their relationship that she does not bother about her appearance anymore. “What on earth was that thing on her head and what happened to her dress sense? Does she not realise men are attracted to what they see?” he thought out loud, “What happened to the girl I walked on hot coals for? Will her appearance worsen when we finally get married?” The thought made him cringe.
Scenario 3 – Love
Pastor Dee reclined on her seat and remembered the conversation she had with Anna who had come to register for the pre marital guidance class some few hours ago. Pastor Dee had called her into the office to have a quick chat with her about the man she was planning to marry. Anna went on and on about the job he has, the car he drives, the sort of designer shoes he wears and his ‘mad’ body. When Pastor Dee finally had a chance to speak, she looked straight into her eyes and asked, “So do you love him?” “Well, I don’t know – I’m just happy he has a vision” she replied. After Anna had left, Pastor Dee thought out loud, “What happened to the days when love used to be a prerequisite before getting married? When did having a car and a couple of nice shoes equate to having a vision?” The thought made her heart heavy.
Sorry for not updating. A lot is going on at the moment – Started a new job (I give God the glory) but most importantly I am working on my upcoming Novel which is really taking most of my writing time. I will be updating but it wont be as regular as before (maybe three times a month) Please bear with me. A big thank you to everyone who visits this blog and for all your encouraging words – It really means a lot and has propelled me into believing in my writing.
Please, still feel free to leave comments – I will definetely reply them. Every time I write, I always pray it ministers to the people who will read it and I know God answers my prayer. Most of the comments will testify to that.
A little word of encouragement –
Never let your situation define you… when challenges come, always know that “This too shall pass”
Rise above any limitation and know that there is no mountain too great….HAVE FAITH!
Believe in yourself but most importantly in the God that believes in you.
You were placed in the Kingdom for such a time as this ……Maximise every God given opportunity!
Watch this space!!
I know you have heard the above phrase a lot of time. Maybe from your parents demanding to know what you are doing with your life or perhaps from a friend who just caught you doing what he or she might think is insane. One way or the other – we have been in a position were the above phrase was used on us.
Nah! This is not an English Class; I am going somewhere with this – so just stay with me. I want you now to remove from your mind every thought you might think this phrase means. Open your mind and read it word for word like as though it is the first time you are coming across it. Now, let’s go What-on-Earth-are-you-doing-for-Heaven’s-sake-? Do you get it now? What on earth are you doing for heaven’s sake? What is your purpose on this earth? What is the reason for your existence? Why did God place you here on earth?
You know what matters most in Eternity? It is not the five houses you have across the country or the amount of money in your bank account. It is “So what did you do with the talents and gifts I gave you?” “What became of the sheep’s I gave you to shepherd?” “How many souls did you bring into the Kingdom?” God forbid, we become speechless on that day. We have become so laid back in our approach to purpose and have allowed apathy to set it in. You know the scary thing, it is one thing not knowing your purpose but what about those that know it or should I say have an inkling and do nothing about it. Hmmm …James 4: 17 warns, “Remember it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.”
A man of God who came to minister in my church last weekend spoke about the fact that he had about seven cows. Six of those cows were female and the other one was a male. Noticed I used ‘was’…yep! Because the cow no longer exists….The purpose of the male cow was to impregnate the female cows but all the cow was doing was walking around the field, eating grass day after day…It was not fulfilling the purpose of why he was bought. It was just existing…are you just existing? Anyhoo, one particular day, a member of his church was getting married and they wanted to buy a cow and was talking to the Man of God about it and suddenly he remembered his useless cow. “Don’t waste your money; I have a cow you can kill and roast for the day.” That was the end of the useless cow. I hope we all get that analogy – May we not become like that useless cow.
Your purpose is far greater than you. It is in your purpose that you will find fulfilment. What are those things in your life that has replaced the true purpose of God? Your purpose is your next level. Locate your next level and pursue it.
Not only will the Holy Spirit teach me all things, He would also guide me into all truth…(John 14:26 and John 16:13)
The ultimate goal in marriage is to make God look good. Two people that become better when they are together. Your partner should be adding and multiplying into your life not subtracting and dividing. I heard it said recently, “Dont let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in thier life….Relationship work best when they are balanced.” Just felt I had to say all that before continuing with the theme of this article.
The role of a good thing in the life of a man is very important because a woman can make or break her man. Even a woman on an assignment as well needs a husband that can realise the call of God on her life and not afraid or intimidated to release her in order to fulfil her God ordained purpose.
Excuse me, whilst I digress a bit – A woman can be strong (Proverbs 31:25) but should not be overpowering. God called you to be that man’s helper. Never put him down! I cannot help but over emphasize this. Always remember that he is your head and you have to submit to him. The bible says that wives should submit to their OWN husband…that’s right! Ladies – marry a man you can submit to and my dear men, you need a proverbs 31 woman – a wife of a noble character, a woman who will do you good all the days of your life.
I took some time to go through Proverbs 31 again – They say, when we do not know the value of something, abuse is inevitable. The same thing goes for this scripture; it has been so overused that it is beginning to lose its potency. Some ladies think they are the perfect example of the proverbial woman and the guys never miss a chance to say they are looking for a ‘proverbs 31 woman’ meanwhile they have never read that particular scripture. Guys and girls, can we pause and read Proverbs 31 from verse 10…
My, oh my! Are we reading the same thing? Ladies, that should be your resume. Nuff said – that is definitely for another article.
Back to the main issue –
“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. ”Deuteronomy 30:19
You see God will not force you into doing anything because truly he has giving you a freewill. If you are choosing based on the car he drives or the way her figure is shaped, that is totally up to you –“There is a way that seems right to a man and appears straight before him, but at the end of it is the way of death” Proverbs 14:12.
So is there only one person for me? Actually, there are many guys out there who I can get along with and infact have a decent relationship with but not all of them are in line with God’s purpose for my life. You see, there is a divine intention in marriage. Marriage was God’s original idea. Adam had no clue he needed a helper but God knew. When you get married it is for a purpose that is why it is essential you get in touch with your creator before racing to the altar.
Imagine being married to a husband who cannot lead or a wife who cannot submit and then you wonder why the kids are dysfunctional – what a disastrous combination! I don’t know about you but I have come to a point in my life where I’d rather be led by the One who knows all things than walk around this earth like a headless chicken living in a fool’s paradise because I know I have a freewill. Even Jesus Christ could of His own self do nothing (John 5:30). How much more me?
And for my brothers and sisters, who are waiting for a drum roll from heaven or angel Gabriel to deliver the message that so and so is their partner…errrm, that may never happen. Sometimes, it is that ‘still’ small voice and most of the time; it is the ‘peace’ that accompanies your decision. Whichever way, you need to have that peace.
Which will you choose? Life or death?
Let God lead you – it is a matter of life and death.
Ever been in a situation where it seems as though you are tired of hearing about people’s opinion? Ok! Let me shed a bit of light in what I’m trying to put across – I woke up this particular Sunday morning quite excited in my spirit and suddenly the events of the previous night popped into my mind- what happened? I had some friends over and we picked on different topic to delibrate on, which no doubt was quite exciting but in the midst of the argument the door bell rang and in came another friend who had an interesting book with him. What could be in this book that could possibly make me want to write about, right? `
I’m sure you’ve heard it said in so many ways – “Love is a choice”, “God can choose a husband for you”, “You were made for one particular person – i.e. there is only one person out there for you”, “No, God cannot choose a husband/wife for you because he has given you the power of choice.” e.t.c. everything all boils down to the question in most people’s mind – Is there really one person out there for me or not? It is quite interesting how so many people have tried in one way or the other to justify these mind bugging questions using the same text in the bible i.e. the story of Adam and Eve.
“So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” Genesis 2:21-23
Some have argued that when God created Adam, He put him to sleep and from his rib He made Eve for him and not Evelyn or Edith. This particular book with my friend brought another light to that same text- The author blatantly threw the idea of “one person” into the bin and called it a myth and that there are almost 6 billion people on the face of the earth- what is the likelihood you would ever meet? He argued his point that after God made the woman; He brought her to the man (because he has a freewill to choose) and then it was the man that said “this is now bone of my bones…” therefore, it was Adam that made the decision of taking Eve as a wife meaning he could have rejected her if he wanted to. Hmmm – This author had a point.
I had completely switched off at this point. Somewhere in my living room, my friends had started arguing about ‘Is love really a choice?” I figured the only way to get an answer is to leave the sitting room of common sense & people’s opinion. I knew the quicker I did that, the better it would help with my sanity.
To be continued…………………