Most people would be ecstatic about the life I have, still in my twenties – a good paying job, three houses in my name, cars and most importantly I have Christ and even though I know the missing thing in my life I don’t want to think about it. I know it’s the presence of a woman – not that I don’t have anyone in mind – as a matter of fact, I do but it’s a bit complicated (When a man marries, he leaves his father and mother and becomes one with his wife). The truth is I’m scared of getting into a relationship – “fear of the unknown” that’s how I like to call it (There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear)
Give me arithmetic’s; I’ll solve them before you say Jack Robinson. A riddle does not take that long to crack but relationships? My oh my! I wonder why God in His almightiness created that bond between a man and a woman. I am perfectly fine on my own. (Neither is man independent of woman nor woman independent of man, in the Lord). My first relationship did not work out. I fell in love with Lillian the very first day I set my eyes on her, I knew I had made the right choice, I did all I could do to make the relationship work but it was never good enough. (There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel – that will stand).
It seemed all one way with Lillian, I placed her high up there and she tore my heart to pieces. How do I love again? (A righteous man may fall seven times and rise again). I have felt pain so bad that the fear of dying from it propelled me to keep to myself and build this wall around me. I was certain; love was not for me at least not in this lifetime and then came Sarah. (The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord). Why did you have to bring her my way Lord? After what I went through with Lilian, this definitely will not work. (He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wound).
I have done so much to keep her away from me, she still finds a way to forgive and love me over and over again? (Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies). What if it does not work out? What if we start so strong and then fall apart? Oh my! The fear of losing her! I love her so much I’d rather keep her close as a friend than lose her incase this whole shenanigan does not work (God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind).
Oh! should I give it a try? Even though I’m not sure where it will end up? I must say, the spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is soooooo weak. The thought of trying is so scary! (You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you). Take a look at Sean and Keisha? 4 yrs! 4 good years of being together and within a second the whole thing dissolved into thin air. What about Tina? Can you imagine? I thought it was IT. Who wouldn’t? I mean, she was dating a man of God, a minister for that matter – I was expecting a wedding invitation through the post but no! They had broken it up. Why? “It wasn’t working out”. What hope do I have? (For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise).
I just can not see a way forward (If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move from here to there”, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you). I must admit, I am a bit clueless about the way this whole relationship thing works, it’s the hardest subject I’ve ever come across and it seems as though there is no suitable teacher who can explain its workings (in Him lies hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge). I know she is hurting – hurting from the fact that she does not know how I feel about her. I think of her every single moment but she doesn’t even know that – she must think I don’t care. I don’t blame her; I am so scared to let down my guard. If only she knew how much I love her. If only she knew how a second can not pass by without me thinking about her.
Lillian knew how much I loved her and see how she paid me back? (Forget those things which are behind and reach forward to those things which are ahead). What if Sarah does the same thing? (Whatever is not of faith is sin). I keep hearing this voice? Can I trust what I’m hearing? Have I really believed so much lies that my heart is hardened against God’s truth? Have I let the enemy creep in slowly into my life, making me think I can never be successful in my marital life? (When I was a child, I spoke as a child; I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things). Can you help us Lord? I mean, Sarah and I? (A threefold cord is not easily broken)