The Unspoken Truth Series- Why singles are staying single I


I am going to share my experiences with you over the next couple of days about various people’s opinion on this issue. I will give my opinion at the end of the series. Enjoy!

I was over at a friend’s house last week with a couple of other friends – we were like 7 in total, male and female. I always say, you can not have singles together in a place without discussing about ‘relationship talks’ – It is almost impossible. One way or the other, it just has to happen. Like this particular day, it wasn’t planned; we had just finished our normal home fellowship (we call it CARE) and decided to hang around for dinner. The plan was to leave there at 9:30 so I could go home early (I say this, because we never leave CARE until around 11:45pm…since, we all live close to one another), relax, pray from 11pm-12am to thank God for the following day – which was going to be my birthday. My, oh my! Did BN (For discretion sake, I am not going to use anyone’s real name) have to bring it up? Did she really have to start this tonight? I could hear her from the kitchen, “So what do you think the problem is? Why do you think singles are not hooking up?” she was asking AK.  

Every bone in my body was screaming for release as I fastened my butts to the chair, “Deola, don’t even go there, you have to be home early to pray and pick up calls from family & friends who would want to wish you happy birthday.” I tried; I really did try 🙂…..I cant remember how my body got to the kitchen BUT I gave myself an ultimatum – whatever you do, make sure you are home for 11pm. It’s about 10 minutes drive from my house to theirs and getting home for the planned time would not be a problem. “Well I think because you ladies are focusing too much on vision….”AK was saying. It just had to happen, for those of you that know me, that black notepad in my bag had to come out. Question and answer time! I really wanted to know as well. “Why on earth do we have so many singles in the church and no one is hooking up with one another? Are people’s expectations too high?”  

Oh! You should have been there, BN’s neck had gone to overdrive – “Listen to me, guys listen!” BN was trying to get everyone’s attention because we all had our own opinion and all wanted to be heard, “Guys, guys” she shouted –”Don’t get me wrong, I am already in a relationship but my dilemma for the single ladies is this – I have been in the church (she was not talking about a particular church – what she meant was, since she became saved) for 4 years now and not one guy has come up to talk to me (she used the word ‘toast’ actually). What is happening to the guys in church?” she asked.  Immediately she said that, all the ladies there including me, sat up straight and thought “Oh my God! That is so true. This was something we were not aware of until our attention was brought to it” BN continued- “It will be a different matter, if I’m ugly. I am not and so is every other lady in church, the guys have simply lost their game.” Oh! FL continued from where BN stopped, “I was in church for 6yrs and my husband was the only guy that approached me.” FL got married like 2 yrs ago. I am not the one to talk much when singles are discussing – I listen, digest and take notes. I couldn’t help but agree with BN and FL. YO also agreed as we were the only females there. YO had some points to make as well, but I’ll mention them in series II. 

At this point, the guys were laughing, “What do you have to say to that?” I asked them, BN interrupted, “Let’s stop scratching the surface and get down to the nitty gritty (BN was quite passionate about the issue, I must admit) – Do you blame a babe when she starts acting all weird when a guy is trying to chat her up? A babe hasn’t been approached for years and then maybe one guy in church finally finds the courage to talk to her and then she starts messing up. The girl is not to be blamed for not knowing how to respond because the familiar has become the unfamiliar.” At this point, we all busted out laughing including the guys. BN was right. Even the guys had to admit to the fact that it was easier for them to approach ladies when they were in the world.  

I checked my time, it was 10pm…There was still time. I had to say something, “But you know, there are many factors to why singles are still single but I got a different insight tonight. Although I was laughing my head off, BN is so right…and the funny thing is I didn’t realise until she mentioned that fact.” Everyone had something to say at this point, it was now an issue of screaming on top of your lungs to be heard, that was not going to be a problem, I needed to make my point. I continued, “And until men decide to become men, this can really be a major problem. Let’s not lose wisdom by being too spiritual. God will not come down and help you approach a lady. I know, it may have been easier when you were in the world – maybe the influence of alcohol, as AO mentioned gave you a bit of confidence but now we have the Holy Spirit, infact that should put you on a permanent high.  

“Ok, Ok! Let’s even forget BN’s point, you ladies have unrealistic expectations…”AK was saying before YO interrupted, “What about you guys – all you are looking for is perfection, finished product…” Oh my! AK and YO shouldn’t have gone there, everyone had a message to preach at this point – I checked the time, 10:20pm….BRING IT ON 

To be continued tomorrow – why singles are staying single II 

Please feel free to leave your opinions.

This entry was posted in Singles, The Unspoken Truth Series. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to The Unspoken Truth Series- Why singles are staying single I

  1. Kalashnikov's grand daughter says:

    singles singles everywhere…haba….us that are not married but not single, where’s the preaching for us?

  2. B says:

    True that – I agree with Kalashnikov’s grand daughter. Where’s the preaching for dating singles? – how do we run our r’ships so we don’t end up on the christain singles market again.

  3. Jire says:

    really nice stuff luv. Deola you should write a book or something- you have really really good writing skills. hope your good though. looking forward to reading part II.

  4. @Kalshnikov’s daughter and B – As long as you arent married yet, you are still a single and some of the articles here relate to singles who are already in a relationship as well….for example, how far can i go?, to the altar to alter, it was just a little gathering………keep checking the site regularly.

    @B – With wisdom, patience and God in your relationship, i doubt you will end up again in the singles market…….i always say, a three fold cord is not easily broken….as long as HE is the center of your relationship. Again…keep checking the site regularly because your needs are catered for as well 🙂

    @Jire…thank u…how have you been?

  5. Ose says:

    After a lady has being in church for lets say like 6years and no guy approaches her, what would you say causes that? I am really curious.

    Is it that her style of dressing has become drastically different/boring?
    Do her conversations with guys tend more to inviting them to her own church rather than actually getting to know them?

    What could the factors be? I believe that being “saved” should make an individual a beautiful person inside and it will naturally reflect in their actions and then eventually attract the right man.

    Maybe the single ladies need to write down whats so different about them after they become saved and notice what makes them “unapproachable” singles to guys who are also “saved”. The guys may also do the same but….they seem less bothered about the situation.

  6. Thank you Ose for that comment. You actually hit the nail on the head with that last statement. The thing now is most singles are becoming tooooooo comfortable being single (if you stay with me, i’ll talk about it in series IV or V)…

    There are many factors to this topic Ose, you will be mesmerized at my findings. Maybe you dont get that in america but i was having this conversation with a guy on Sunday and he said to me, its the country(i.e England)…i wondered, how on earth does a country affect a guy from approaching a lady? he explained a few things, i’ll prolly talk about them on the way.

    About Style and dressing, it might be a problem for some people but majority of the ladies I know do have a sense of fashion and style…..that is why, we are trying to see where the problem is……could it be that the guys need to be trained in approching ladies? have they really lost thier game? or are the ladies to be blamed?

    Keep reading.

  7. hi deola
    i hope your site doesnt become totally uncool now that a pastor has visited it. just wanted to say well done – its good to Talk!
    pastor bimbo fola-alade

  8. Thank you Pastor Bimbo…it’s an honour. 🙂

  9. Adey says:

    Just read Ose’s comment and looking back at my life before i got saved and now i just have thing in my head now which i think is really bad, as in of you dont go to R…..m i really dont want to have anything to do with the guy and this is from past experience i met this guy from another church and this guy was really close to the pastor as in he even gets airtime, on the suface he looks like the perfect guy but when i really got to know i discoverd that his church doctrine, where way below standard and thank God for my pastor who is always telling us that even the devil can quote scriptures(out of Context) and to test evey spirit.
    To cut this short he was looking to start his own ministry, wanted a wife that could sing and then travel around the world with him i mean good vision and all but i asked my friend how do u intend to pay for all trips and all as you only work for the church and he said his wife would sing and they would record an album so long as she had a good voice and it just so happen that i was in the choir and he said since i can sing we would get married and record albums to sell and i said am almost certain God has not called me into that and my friend said it doesnt matter. Basically where am going with this i think this wanted a wife as an instrument to propel his selfish desires as it doesnt even matter what the girl wants.
    Of course cut all contact with him soon enough but the damage was already done i just could not believe a supposed man of God could speak like that and i still ve it in my head and i told God please dont bring my way any man that wants to be a pastor i mean i dont think i could stand anymore of the rubish.
    Having said all of this my conclusion is this we single ladies get really over spiree sometimes i mean its possible that u meet a nice guy u knw just an ordinary as in not a worker and we completely give them the shoulder not even sparing them a thought i mean we are supposed to be the bible that others read so when that impression is created the guy just thinks all supposedly born again girls are like that and then instead of gaining a willing brother into the body of Christ we completely loose them. Its my prayer that God Almighty would help us all not to loose that special someone He has for us with our atitude and for me i hope sharing some of all my experience would be an healing process for me
    Finally Deola may God bless you real good for this and may the Holy Spirit of God continually grant u deeper revelation for u to fufil His calling on your life. Regards all the way from Ireland
    Hopefully we will invite you to Dublin to give us a talk at our strictly feminie sessions. God Bless

  10. @Adey…thanks for sharing…i’ve heard it said, when you write, you share a part of yourself and its a selfless thing. However, i dont want you to run away from every guy that calls himself a pastor….Not all guys are the same…Now you know better to test all spirits…Dont worry, God will bring you that special someone – Someone who is not looking for a wife just to propel his selfish desires. Tk care dear and God bless you too.

  11. Inuke Davis says:

    Its so true the comment the lady made about being in church for 6yrs and no guy is approaching you. I have experienced the same thing in my church which is full of young, vibrant, available singles. Sometimes i feel like it is rare to find guys that actually know what, where and how they are doing spiritual. it is actually a turn off to see 70% of females at bible study or even singles fellowship . I think for me that is my main criteria for a guy, you must know who you r in the Lord, you dont have to be perfect, tall dark and handsome although that would be a bonus. i will like to see how this series concludes.
    Keep up the good work.

  12. Clever Gee says:

    HI, is it too late to respond to this article? Perhaps all those who were single in 2007 are now in a committed relationship. I shall reply properly if i get a response to my pre-comment. I have a lot to say from a few years as an observer…..both in the world and as a saved Christian.

  13. No, its not too late. We would love to hear from you.

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