Why singles are staying single III

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You have to read Why singles are staying single I & II to understand what you are about to read. I decided to do something a bit different today, YK left this comment on the site yesterday and I believe everyone should read it. I asked his permission before posting it up. Enjoy!

Deola,

As usual, no comment is left out of your stories! You know I will still have a thing or two to say:

1. I agree with BN – Our (guys) games are not tight! We have lost the killer instincts. We’ve gone too cold! Too scared to put our games and reps on the line! Too timid to toast and we find ourselves queuing up for the same Certified babe! When the list of babes is endless…c’mon guys, let’s be real men!

2. As for Babes, there are not many true wives in church these days. A lot of babes (in my little experience) don’t know what it takes to win a guy’s heart! I tell you, that’s where the challenge lies for the sisters. Some are fortunate to have suitors but just take the opportunities for granted! They seem to think they’ve got nothing to do but just sit tight and prince charming will just turn up and sweep them off their feet….girlfriend, if you want something good, you’ve got to get up from your backside, pray and let the spirit teach you how to receive a brother! Ladies need to learn to respect the brothers (Sounds so old school but I don’t think there’s a true Christian brother out there who will not consider a lady that truly respects him – now talk about Strategic positioning). I recently almost fell prey to that until God nudged me to back off that the sister wasn’t mine….

3. Vision, vision, vision….it stinks! I say again, it stinks! AO read my mind; I think the Christian of today needs to be tactful in digesting the messages from the pulpit. No disrespect to anyone but I think a lot of people just listen an obey like robots and don’t bother to check with God how it applies to their individual lives and realities. The word echoing in my mind right now is “FAITH”, many guys and girls these days want to see the TANGIBLE goods before considering a suitor, particularly the ladies….. I tell you its so annoying, reminds me of UNI days! The common line – “What do you drive? Is now repackaged to “What’s your vision”…don’t get me started on this vision issue!

4. OK don’t want to sound like a chauvinist so I’ll diss my brothers again…you don’t need a job, car or business to step up! We need our positions as leaders of the pack back. I know today’s society has empowered the women (its a good thing) but if you are sure of who you are in Christ, no woman, I repeat, no woman will intimidate you. Also, we guys need to compliment the ladies, not put them down.

There are a lot of insecure ladies out there so we have to be mindful of that….take care of them, affirm them, be there for them…remember, its a curse from God to women that says: “A woman’s desire will be for her husband” So hold on tight to this…every good woman desires a good man so no matter how TOUGH she claims to be, there’s still that desire inside of her, so GO and break that barrier covering the jewel in her!

Finally, I’ll be fake if I said I wasn’t guilty of some, if not all of the above but after all said, there’s only 1 question I have that is yet to be answered:

“Why are there better behaved ladies in town than in church???!

I rest my case! 

Please feel free to leave your comments/questions.

Log back in tomorrow for the continuation of the series.

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14 Responses to Why singles are staying single III

  1. B says:

    I feel you Brother YK. You picked up on a point Ose raised in unspoken truth 1.

    Some girls definitely to examine themselves and see what they are doing wrong that makes them no longer attractive to guys and why so called town girls are perceived to be better behaved.

    But, I also think that many girls are not particularly doing anything wrong. As you’ve rightly pointed out, our xtian brothers have just become slightly weaker than you would expect.

    Some xtian brothers use the excuse that they are chasing their vision/ trying to make money/get their foot on the ground etc Before they know it, years have passed, all of a sudden it’s time to date- lo and behold – I’ve lost my game, don’t even know how to say wass up to a girl anymore? insecurity/lack of confidence has stepped in. As a xtian sister – I can assure you – you don’t have to have the works to date a genuine woman of God. If you are true to God and destined for greatness, a true woman of God will discern it even when the works are not there. So please, just talk to the girl and don’t worry too much about what is not there.

    The guys that are not chasing vision are suffering from a lack of a resolute mind- they like a girl and are praying about her. A little mistake or a wrong statement by the girl is used as a confirmation that she’s not the one. They spend so much time praying that they almost loose wisdom.

    Finally, I think we also have the category of the xtian brothers (a really worrying one) that have gotten very comfortable with being fine, cool, single and surrounded by girls. These guys become serial friends, make friends with many girls, yet will not date any. May be, they get emotional thrills from many girls fancying them and telling them about how cool they are – I don’t know.

    In summary – My sistas, let us examine ourselves and fix our attitudes and expectations as necessary.

    And brothers – please get your game back. Decide on the girl you’re going for, pray and if convicted, MOVE. Have the killer instincts (as YK puts it) and be resolute about getting her. Ignore the unfriendly/silly comments that are made by her and focus on what is important. Let her know you for who you truly are and as YK said, play your role to build her. You’ll be surprised by what you’ll find.

  2. LK says:

    In light of your question YK, I’ll not attribute this to the ladies only, based on your Point 1 above, it seems the fellows are equally badly behaved. How can a man in all the authority he’s been given to love his wife like Jesus loves the Church(despite all our issues), still be slacking and watching from the sidelines waiting for the God to tell him exactly something that he needs to be resolute to deliver on. My take is that the ladies in church are only not behaving right because they are not used to a man talking to them in the first place, ladies in town are used to this and therefore know how to stay attractive to the opposite sex. That said, I believe sisters need to ensure they learn the right things and not let the slacking of brothers kill their own game too.

    Now onto my own take on this whole discussion, I think the core of this problem is down to the society we’re in. Culture has definitely taken its toll on the behaviour of men in the UK, having met a range of individuals including Americans, Italians, and fellow Nigerians e.t.c. I’ve learnt that the English Man is not the boldest in his approach to things hence the strong drinking culture that allows people feel more at ease and sociable. I know this may be taking this discussion on a tangent but I’m going somewhere. Any person who has lived in the UK long enough is affected by this culture whether they like it or not, most guys I know have testified to their toasting frequency been reduced to little or nothing after a few months in the UK(Barring alcohol or dark club influence). Conclusion is, whether in church or not the guy’s killer instincts are reduced, just that as a saved brother, the other things that facilitate toasting skills are no longer an option. The Holy Spirit becomes our alcohol and boldness only comes if we ask for it. A good poll question to ask guys in church is when last did you directly put yourself out to tell a woman you like her? Not sure many of us will do well there. If the sisters can come to the understanding of the influences on the man’s behaviour then it may be easier for them to deal with the slacking and tweak their expectations of how they will be approached. There’s no point in living in a society that empowers women so strongly and expecting the men to behave the same as other parts of the world where men have a killer instinct, there’s a trade off in everything.

    On the whole issue of Vision or no vision, I may have a very simplistic approach to other folks, where not much is happening people trick themselves into thinking they have very strong expectations. I think Deola mentioned something about “Whatever happened to love?” I would switch that to “Whatever happened to been a REAL MAN?” If a man approaches a woman the way he’s supposed to showing his true Bold Self/Character, many of the woman’s Vision discussions will get sidelined and she’ll accept she’s found. I think this explains why sometimes sisters in Church fall victim to guys in town (they are BOLD and have Killer Instincts). I hope by this I have taken us on a journey back to why Guys in town are sometimes bettered than those in church (Note that I’m not telling sisters to go for them just highlighting some sisters’ challenges. I hope I’ve at least given you a Food for thought YK, we can’t attach blame to the ladies, and we are equally as bad.

  3. Adebola says:

    This is hard core truth that no amount of books u read can buy. I happen to be in contact with a lot of single girls and guys in the church and i have to agree with Lk our guys really have lost the game and need to step up. On a second note can anyone tell me y guys expect girls to guess they like them and then they try to get really close and every1 thinks u are together?

  4. hmmmmm….thats all i can say….YK,B,LK and Adebola have really made excellent points…..I will have to post some of those points up in the next couple of days. I believe the whole world needs to read this….we have focused to much on the surface for too long, this is the real deal….

    @Adebola – You said, “On a second note can anyone tell me y guys expect girls to guess they like them and then they try to get really close and every1 thinks u are together?” They probably get close because they are trying to get to know you BEFORE they reveal thier intentions. I see nothing wrong with this but it can be a dangerous thing when its going on for toooooo long and the guy aint saying nada.

    You see, there can be many factors to this issue, some of them YK, LK and B mentioned….also, if a guy has been hurt before, it might take a while for him to trust again (you can read the article on the Musings of a young man)..i wont talk much about this now but watch out for an article called Fatal Attraction……….and you are right, this is the hardcore truth, no amount of books you read can buy……Tk care!

  5. God's Leading Lady says:

    LOL! Hm…YK, It seems like you have been scarred on this vision issue!..But I see your point to an extent tho.

    However, What I would just like to say is that maybe your idea of this “vision” thing is like God showing the guy his future and how he is going to be the C.E.O of a multinational company for instance or how the guy is going to own 20 orphanages all over the world and change the lives of millions of people!!!

    In my opinion not necessarily! According to PSFA’s opinion of what vision is which I totally agree with, “Vision is the ability to see tomorrow’s possibilities and the capacity to see opportunities in today’s challenges..a mental picture of PREFERABLE future state;ability to see an oak tree or a forest in an acorn seed”.

    Guys don’t have to have the whole picture because God seldom gives the whole picture anyway and I believe the same goes for ladies too. It’s a step by step process that triggers more revelation as one obeys God step by step. God told Abraham to go to a land that He will show him. Abraham didn’t know where he was going but he obeyed and only after that 1st step of obedience did God tell him more about his future. In my opinion the vision thing is all to do with someone who trusts God and believes God for great things in future in spite of his present state(whether bad, average or even good), who is willing to submit to God’s leading in life and obey him and you can tell even by the way the person conducts their day to day life….U feel me?

  6. B says:

    Adebola,

    In my opinion, I think a guy expecting a girl to guess he likes her is not necessarily a good thing and to an extent, an evidence of the lack of boldness and a resolute mind by guys that we’ve been discussing.

    There is nothing wrong in a guy being bold enough to express his feelings for a girl. They don’t have to start dating immediately, they can hang out, get to know each other and see if a relationship could work. If a relationship is not feasible, then they both move on and hopefully stay as friends. It’s not a big deal.

    Playing a guessing game just complicates matters, its childish and pointless – lets express ourselves openly – both guys and girls (I am not suggesting that a girl should make the first move and tell a guy she likes him). Anyway, whether you express yourself or not, it would be obvious when you like a person. You might as well be truthful and honest about it – afterall as christians, we’re called to be truthful in all our affairs.

    On another note, I think church folks need to really chill about relationships and not put a guy and a girl underpressure once they see them hanging out together- that also complicates matters. I think that starts with each and everyone of us not asking unnecessary questions and resolving to mind our business even when we feel tempted to be nosy.That’s my take on your question – hope it helps.

    I agree with Deola and Adebola – this really is hardcore truth – LK definitely brought a different and truly valid spin to the discussions.

    Guys and girls-, please leave your comments/opinions/agreements or not and lets get to the core of these issues – the unspoken truth as Deola puts it. Personally, I’m becoming concerned about the increasing number of singles in church. It’s not right, it’s not GOOD and it’s not what GOD wants. We are created for companionship, one will put flight to a 1,000 and 2 will put flight to 10,000. There is power and a blessing in being in a healthy christian relationship – you don’t have to wait till marriage to reap the benefits. So, let’s discuss/address some of the causes/reasons why we are staying single (when we don’t want to be), learn from each other and make progress for the kingdom of God. Please.

  7. OOO says:

    I don’t really have a contribution per se.. But I’m really excited about this topic. esp. about the points that have been raised here. They’re things that have crossed my mind and it’s a huge relief to know I’m not the only 1 in the boat.

    Sorry; u may all carry on with proper contributions 😀

  8. Adebola says:

    Just thought i’d share a quick thought i remeber a brother that was asking me out a while ago and on the first day we spoke he asked me about my vision and pls brothers dont tell us after one day “i think u re the one for me” its so lame i mean i had never seen this guy and he just kept talking about marriage …………….. scary stuff.

    By the way Deola more grace and may God Almighty countinually grant depper revelation. By the way am telling all my friends about this website. God Bless u!!!!!!!!

  9. Ebunoluwa says:

    going back on what Adebola said…What if its the girl that expects the guy to guess that she likes him…What then???from what I gather so far, we all seem to expect the guy to make a move first???whats wrong with a girl approaching a guy that she likes first or in other words “toasting” the guy (not saying that I could do it), but is there anything wrong with it??? We seem to leave it to the guys to make a move first. I realise especially where I come from that a girl is expected to behave modestly and not be too forward, but I also believe that if u are sure (and this is to the ladies) that this is the guy for you and you have consulted God about it then I see no reason why u cant approach the guy first (especially if the guy is shy and reserved)…this comment is purely from experience…….

  10. Adebola says:

    In response to Ebunoluwa’s comment, in my opinion i dont think its right for the girl to make the first move i think it screams desperate!!!!!!!! and dont forget who your father is the King of Kings and i dont think a the child of a noble would do that. As you mentioned, if God has given u d go ahead then ask Him to complete the process and remeber He is not an author of confusion he will definately see it thru and dont forget His word will not return to Him void. If you have the time check out the story of Ruth and Boaz in Ruth 3……….

  11. @Ebunoluwa….hmmm! From personal experience, I think it is best to keep quiet and not say anything. It complicate matters….I thought it was right – those were the days of ignorance. I understand the guy might be shy and reserved but if he really likes you…he should be man about it hence the whole discussion from LK,B and YK..

    In the issue of if you are sure God has told you about him…be patient and let God tell it to him too. The danger of if you tell him first is this – after that guy has heard from you, it will be difficult from him to hear the Holy spirit beacuse in his mind the Holyspirit now sounds like you – Believe me girl, I can write a whole book on this. In order not to put yourself in a sticky situation of pain and agony, I suggest you wait and let the guy take the lead…unless God instructs you otherwise but when God says be patient…pls pls pls be patient…. Nuff said on that.

  12. B says:

    Ebunoluwa,

    In my view -there isn’t a generic answer to your question – it depends on the circumstances, the guy, the girl and how she approaches the matter. Personally, I don’t particularly think there’s anything wrong in a girl expressing herself. I have come to learn we sometimes create barriers for ourselves by following traditions (which are not necessary biblical) too strictly. I think it is wise to be mindful of the norms and traditions but that should not necessarily dictate how we behave all the time.

    It is said that most guys prefer to be the one chasing Some guys have also said that they don’t mind being chased. My advice to a girl in the situation described is – assess the circumstances carefully and be aware of the realities. If you feel the guy could do with a little help and push – i don’t think there’s anything wrong in providing that while still retaining your dignity as a woman. A girl should be careful not to be too forceful or come on too strong and most importantly be wise in how she approaches the guy…

    Ultimately, I still think it is the guy’s role as the man and head of the woman to chase. However, LK gave me a new spin on the issue and made me aware that some brothers, because of cultural/environmental influence need assistance – it will be unwise for us as women of God to ignore the points he raised. As women of the 21st century , we have been empowered greatly – more than our mothers were. Therefore, we have to be ready to step out of our comfort zone (or get up from our backsides as YK puts it) and do some work as required and necessary to secure our men and destiny.

    But guys, hopefully, you are now more aware of some of the issues that have affected your poor performance – please address them and if your issues have not been mentioned, please think about them yourself (pls post them on this blog) and make amends.

    One more thing before I go- a guy/girl should never tell a person of the opposite sex God told me you’re the one for me- Totally wrong as Deola has said. If you think the other person needs to know what you’ve heard from God, get on your knees and pray to God to reveal it to them.
    Enough said. God bless.

  13. Hopeful B! says:

    Thanks for your post, i agree with all you’ve said but i think its much deeper. Most guys in church prefer dating non members of their church or an unbeliever/a non committed sistas and bringing them to church, i’ve seen it countless number of times as these brodas marry thses sistas and i’ll really want to understand the reason for that. Most guys are like waves neither here nor there deceiving sistas in the church, they lack the ability to make a decision and follow through with it. I am an example in that regard. Single Brodas in their mid 20’s to 40’s are seen behaving like teens, when a broda knows he’s a man and steps up to a sista, money or no money that sista would be ready to go with him whereever. I don’t beleive in the claim of vision and God told me etc its a weak effort of proving oneself, Its more about the man’s vision, where he wants to be with the person he’s stepping up to, instead of leading poor sistas and breaking their heart thereafter…..anyways brodas should act the MAN!! and step up, we sistas have no choice but to pray and wait………

  14. B says:

    I agree – the issues are deep and there are certainly many more dimensions to it than what has been identified in this blog.

    Dating unbelievers/nonchristians and then bringing them to church – maybe it’s their form of evangelism? lol! But probably not. I’m not sure it’s a wise approach as well.

    Guys prefering to date from other churches – not so much a big deal – all part of the same body of christ afterall. I also don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing to focus entirely on dating someone from outside your church- one could easily miss something good in their own church by adopting that approach. And they’re not exactly being fair on the ladies in their church, are they? But, at the end of the day, everyone is entitled to go for their preference!

    Why some guys prefer to date outside the church could be because of familiarity with the ladies, fear of – not being able to leave the r’ship/headcount/ church folks talking/Intrusion etc. In my view, I will say the reasons they prefer it are likely to be be related to one form of fear or the other and I guess we’ll just have to encourage guys to rise above these fears and pray for boldness/wisdom for them to tackle their fears/concerns. The guys can’t exactly say all the women in their own church are not wife material. Abi?

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