Ladies, guard your heart!

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@Favoured Girl, I replied to your comment last week and told you to watch out for this article – Here it goes! 

It is a proven fact that the clubs are now empty and the pews are overflowing. I have heard it said times without number “Why pay £10-£15 to get into a club to meet girls, when you can see them in church free.” I don’t know about you, but this shows a great cause for alarm. Most of the times, ladies can’t tell the difference between a sheep and a wolf– Ouch! I can feel myself stepping on some toes here but hey! I am just saying it as it is. We allow ourselves to get intoxicated with all the smooth raps and lyrics loaded with promises of endless possibilities. Wake up and smell the coffee please!  It seems as though the minute we get saved – In comes the Holy Spirit and poof! out goes our sense of reasoning.

 It should not be that way, infact we should be wiser.  The heart is very fragile and should be guarded jealously because out of it comes the issues of life. Unfortunately, there are so many broken hearted ladies out there and in the church because they have entrusted others with the job of taking care it. Now, let’s go through some steps, which will help keep your heart from shattering every now and then. That is if you follow them of course, so please stay with me.  

Perception: Remember in the book of Numbers when the Lord told Moses to send some Israelites men to explore the land of Canaan, which He wanted to give them. They came back and said We went to the land to which you sent us and, oh! It does flow with milk and honey! Just look at this fruit! The only thing is that the people who live there are fierce, their cities are huge and well fortified. We cannot attack those people; they are much stronger than we are. Alongside them, we felt like grasshoppers. And they looked down on us as if we were grasshoppers.”

Guarding your heart is all about perception! Ladies, this is very important, if this is all you read. Read it and read it well. How do you see yourself? If you were to place a value on your self, how much will you set as the price? How much is your heart worth to you anyway? Do you see yourself as a grasshopper? Because from the above reading, it is quite evident that people will only see you the way you see yourself. Girlfriend, you are a priceless jewel so get yourself off the discount shelf please! 

Emotional Ties/Friendlationship:  There are so many ladies in undefined relationship with men. They have a name for it now; ‘friendlationship’ – Friendship with benefits of a relationship. Being in this spot can be detrimental to a woman’s self-image especially when it has been going on for a long time. Undefined relationship eventually ends up with one person tied emotionally to the other.

There is the tendency to believe that intimacy comes after sex, I beg to differ on this notion. Real intimacy starts when you start sharing deep personal stuff with someone. In chronic cases of friendlationship – people assume they are dating or probably on the way to the altar but the guy aint saying nada! In addition, when the lady asks, “So what’s up between us?” He mutters something of this sort “Well, what do you think?” All his words are indicating something is up but his actions are saying otherwise.

If you have to do guesswork in your relationship, you are on the wrong ship. Assumptions always look like the truth and most of the time, not the truth. No woman should go through the stress of having to guess where she stands in a relationship. No chemistry in the world is worth that trouble. None!

Someone called B left this comment on the site last week – We also have the category of the Christian brothers (a really worrying one) that have gotten very comfortable with being fine, cool, single and surrounded by girls. These guys become serial friends, make friends with many girls, and yet will not date any. May be, they get emotional thrills from many girls fancying them and telling them about how cool they are – I do not know.”

My dears, you do not want to be one of the ladies in the position B described. If the guy is not ready for prime time television, you take a stand and let him take a walk. The flip side of this – you are setting yourself up for a major heartbreak – Watch out for an article called “I need a man that can handle my favor”. Girlfriends, you are all that and a bag of chips – Let no one tell you any different. Guard your heart! 

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18 Responses to Ladies, guard your heart!

  1. Leonard says:

    Hey Deola,

    Another good article from ya, I am thrilled with level of information you are sending out …………. God’s Grace!!!

    I have a friend who has been in this so called Friendlationship …… I have always been sceptical and I always ask her to ask him to define it ……………….. well she was reluctant…………

    Well, last week, the guy said “they are just friends” Imagine…… Now she is struggling with coming out it.

    He (SHE) who has an ear let her hear what the Spirit is saying to the ……em em em…..

    DEFINE IT, ask him …… Is he the Messiah you’ve been expecting or …………… after all people asked JESUS too!!!

  2. B says:

    Deola – hELP ME

    I have a friend who’s in a friendlationship with a guy, the guy has a babe but claims he’s in love with my friend. He’d prefer to break up with his babe but he doesn’t know how to and it would also be very wicked of him as they’ve been together for years.

    He tells my friend all the time he really likes her – actually tells my friend that he loves his babe but he loves my friend more than his babe and would prefer to be dating my friend than his babe. My friend likes the guy too and she’s gotten very comfortable with the friendlationship.

    It’s easy what my friend needs to do – step. But she’s gotten so used to the company that she can’t move or she leaves for a few days and goes back to the friendlationship.

    I’ve said all I can but it’s not getting thru and clearly, common sense is not working. Please help – how can she break this dependency on the guy?

  3. @B – Oh my! Your friend is emotionally tied to this guy. Your friend needs to break every form of communication with this guy.Every form……No calling, no texting, no emailing, no form of contact….Its going to be hard, very very hard…but she has to think about the flip side of this situation…..

    Imagine..if the guy goes along and marry his girlfriend….what’s going to happen to your friend? she will be so heart broken and maybe scarred for life.

    You said – “But she’s gotten so used to the company that she can’t move or she leaves for a few days and goes back to the friendlationship. ” – I know this feeling! but she has to be strong! i have to repeat this over and over again..it is going to be very very very very hard….. She has to take a stand.

    The guy saying he loves and prefer her to his babe is only being selfish…That is the hold he is using to tie her down. He is moving on with his life – He has a girlfriend and a friend (ur friend) while she is hoping the guy will come to his sense one day and leave his girlfriend for her. The guy is probably scared of losing her as a friend but the guy should know that she is hurting and its unfair to put her on a leash.

    @Leonard – hmmmmm! thank you for that comment. It is always adviseable to have a DTR (Define the Relationship) talk. I thank God for your friend, atleast she knows where she stands now. She will definetely have withdrawal symptoms….she needs to surround herself with friends and should avoid communicating with this guy. If she feels she can handle being his friend with no strings attached – that’s fine! but if she isnt strong to do that – she should pack her bags quick!

  4. B says:

    Another one for people

    If the guy were to leave his babe and start a relationship with my friend – would that be a bad thing for my friend to do? (I know where I stand on this)

    Forget the emotions involved- Is it right for a girl to allow herself to fall in love (either knowingly or unknowingly) with another girl’s boyfriend? This includes when the girl is under the impression that the guy is God’s choice for her (although he’s with another girl). Is it ever right to be a silent man snatcher?

    What do you guys think?

  5. They always say you cant help who you fall in love with. I tend to disagree with that statement becuase first of all…I am not in support of falling into love…When you fall into it, you will fall out of it….always Walk into love…when you walk into it, you are able to work things out when the “love” is no where to be found.
    question 1) – Did your friend “fall” in love with this guy before the girlfriend came along?”

    You have brought another twist to your friend’s situation…..If the girl is under the impression that the guy is God’s choice for her even though he is with another girl….then, she should let God take care of it…..If God said it, He will do it…..God is not a confused person…we are the confused ones…….

    1) Your friend has to be sure she heard from God
    2) He might be the right person at the wrong time…hence, divine timing – watch out for an article called Waiting to Exhale…

    You said, if the guy was to leave his babe and start a relationship with your friend, is that wrong or right? If she is sure the guy is the one for her and gets a go ahead from God that it’s ok…..why not??? another question for the guy – why is he leaving his babe? has he heard from God? I suggest, she should also talk to her spiritual heads (pastors) they will give her proper advice on what and what not. I will also add that….they should both see a pastor for guidance.

    Is it ever right to be a silent man snatcher? Whether silent or loud…it is wrong!!!!! it is never right….dont do unto others what you can not take…….If God told your friend, the guy is the one..she does not need to snatch silently or whatever……all she needs to do is relax and let God do the inside work. She shouldnt tell the guy to break up with his girlfriend either, she doesnt need all that…..She should be still and know HE is God…

    That is my take on this issue…anyone is free to comment

  6. Interesting insights Deola. Will be back to read everything and comment.

  7. Another excellent post Deola; thanks for alerting me to this. Babe, I think you’ve found your niche. Do you have an agent yet? (hint, hint, hint!!!) but seriously, well done for impacting singles with much needed insights for successful living.

    Kofo @ STREETBRAND

  8. B says:

    Thanks Deola – your response is full of wisdom.

    I have a different spin on this friendlationship thing when the guy involved has a girlfriend. I think in the case when the guy has a girlfriend the girl is (whether she’s aware or not and/or accepts it) being a ‘silent man snatcher’. it’s almost like the wife at home and the girlfriend outside scenario.

    The guy will easily start liking the friend more than his girlfriend – the friend doesn’t know the guy in the context of a relationship. The guy is just a friend and can remain sweet and nice and maybe hide his not so good side. On the other hand, the girlfriend knows the guy in full and may not always be nice and sweet to the guy perhaps, because she’s aware of his not so good side.

    The friend is also silently on a mission to win the guy’s heart- it may not be what she wants to do but her actions will be tending towards this reality. If it goes on long enough, the guy could start growing more affection for the friend and end up thinking he likes the friend more than his girlfriend or he could just start seeing unnecessary faults in his girlfriend.

    So, I think that a girl that stays in a friendlatonship with a guy that has a girlfriend is really trying to take the other person away from their mate and wreck their relationship even if she thinks that’s not what she’s doing… Same goes for a guy that’s in a frienlationship with a girl that has a boyfriend.

  9. Thanks B, you have made an excellent point. I’ll like to give my response based on the three questions you have asked so far regarding this topic. So to break down my points, I’ll take your recent comment and give answers to them…paragraph by paragraph, ……indulge me dear 🙂

    First Paragraph – I asked in my earlier comment – Did your friend “fall” in love with this guy before the girlfriend came along?” This is critical to answering your question. Infact this is critical to responding to your entire comment. Did they become best friend after the guy decided to get into relationship with his present girlfriend? IF they became friends afterwards, then maybe she can fit into the picture you painted above.

    Second Paragraph -I can never call you my friend, if we haven’t quarreled, resolved our issues, quarrel again, resolve our issues and so on….if we haven’t gone through that process, then you are still an acquaintance. Infact, friendship should be measured on that. Now for me to be in a freindlationship with a guy, (remember it is friendship with the same benefits you have in a relationship) I am experiencing everything as it would be if we were in a relationship except that one of the parties is not willing to commit. There is no label of “girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancée, courtee, courter etc”. For me to be in a relationship with a guy….we would have passed the friendship stage…so that means….I have seen you as you are….I know what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, what upsets you. I can tell how you will react to a specific situation. I have seen it all. That is what I call friendship. Digressing from this issue, this is for everyone – if all you see is the sweet and nice side of your so called friend …I doubt you are friends….for you to be friends with someone, you should have experience both the negative and positive sides.

    Third paragraph – If they had been friends before the girlfriend came along and she is under the impression that she heard from God about the Mr (like you said in your second comment) – remember, it’s a curse from God to women that says: “A woman’s desire will be for her husband”…..still using your scenario….what if the guy seeing unnecessary fault in his girlfriend or so…is God’s doing? Also, what if the girlfriend seeing unnecessary faults in her boyfriend is God’s doing?
    You also said, “If it goes on long enough, the guy could start growing more affection for the friend…” What if, God put the desire in his heart. I am only using the scenarios you gave me to work with.

    Last paragraph – If your friends intention is to wreck her friend’s relationship….like I said in my last comment…it is wrong! Don’t do unto others what you don’t want done to you. Whether God told you or not….it is wrong. Like I said, if you are confident that you know what you heard…why don’t you leave it to God to do what He does best – Infact, that should give you confirmation…the fact that, you didn’t wreck the relationship with your own hands.

    Thanks B…..

  10. Yes O! says:

    Hmn! Deola, I like the fact that you speak with so much wisdom but let us be realistic. Being on the outside, we always know the right thing to say to someone else, it’s not that easy when we are the ones dealing with the issue ourselves. Hence, the reason why relatives are prevented from treating family members as patients.

    This is because your thinking will be clouded, you won’t be as obejective as you should be and end up making decisions based on emotions instead of common sense.

    I am currently in the process of trying to ‘work a guy out of my system’. Being a mature single woman with kids (I left an abusive marriage), I now live in the constant fear that I may never find a partner that would love me the way I deserve to be loved, you know they say ‘all the good ones are taken’?

    Now that we have wolves roaming in church like sheep, how do we decipher the genuine ones from the fake. I can categorically tell you that no woman is too smart to fall for the wrong person, whether you like to use the phrase ‘fall in love’ or not. We all have some type of baggage from our background or our past that may be affecting our judgement today.

    And since the healing is not complete, we end up making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I feel right now that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to friendlationships. You tell yourself you would not fall for the guy, he’s just someone to talk to, share jokes and ideas with since we know loneliness can kill, but then you fall-HARD. And guys seem to have the gift of being able to say goodbye without batting an eyelid. For most of us women, except you are a ‘hard babe’ it’s never easy to let go so you try to occupy yourself with as much as possible but there are times when you are left with your thoughts.

    Then what happens? You start remembering how good he made you feel even though at the back of your mind you knew he wasn’t for real. I deleted his numbers from my phone, cancelled his email address from my address book, tore out the pages that had information about him in hardcopy etc. But oh girl, I will not lie.

    I have his number memorized, just like I have other people’s numbers stored in my brain. I know we would ‘bump’ into eachother again and I am not totally over him, so what do I do, play cool? That would take some skills. I hate the fact that someone can hurt me, leave me and never look back, am I so easy to forget???

    That is what you ask yourself, promise yourself you’d never let it happen again, two years down the line, you are in the same spot. If we all knew how to choose right, we would end up with the first person we ever have a relationship with. Things are not so clear in life. Like B said (or was it her friend), you wish he would leave the other lady for you, then you tell yourself YOU need to leave him and be on your own but you keep hoping, don’t you?

    I am reading your articles because they may help me for a few days but those words of encourgement may not be running through my mind when I meet another guy with whom I feel I have a lot in common and feel I could make things work with, I need help-HELP ME!!!!!

  11. @Yes oh! I remember when I saw you comment…the first thing that came to mind was …Holyspirit help me. I didn’t want to reply you in haste thereby missing out all what I am about to share with you so I took a long break, relax and decided to settle down and send this. Thank you for taking time to read the article. I always like to answer questions bit by bit so indulge me as I break down your questions/comments one by one. For the purpose of this section, I’ll call you M instead of Yes oh! Hope you don’t mind 🙂

    Firstly, you said, “Being on the outside, we always know the right thing to say to someone else, it’s not that easy when we are the ones dealing with the issue ourselves.” You are right! I’ll let you know my dear that I don’t write based on head knowlegde…Enough said on that, hopefully you’ll understand what I mean by this. 🙂

    I am not the one to follow lines that people use especially when there is no biblical evidence that it is right – who says all the good ones are taken M? First, you need to change your mindset because you can never grow beyond your mind. The bible says, as a man thinketh, so he is. You should see yourself the way God sees you – that is ….YOU ARE ALL THAT! You thinking you will never find a partner to love you the way you deserved to be love is fear and you need to cast that fear out. It is a big lie from the pits of hell. That has to be taken care of first and fast. Like I said in the article, people will only see you the way you see yourself.

    True! No woman is too smart to “fall” for the wrong person….I am sure every woman has made that mistake one time in their lives, hence the reason why we have ‘EX’s’…. but what will stop you from not repeating it again? You have to be healed. You said it yourself and I quote, “And since the healing is not complete, we end up making the same
    mistakes over and over and over again”. Maybe it is time for you to be healed M. Completely healed! Maybe you are trying to find affirmation from these guys. Maybe you getting into this friendlationship is a way of you trying to kill this lonely bug. Maybe you need to find your purpose and run with it? See my article on Get me a spouse or I’ll die! My dear, you need to be happy as a single before you can ever be happy as a married person. Hence you will never find that satisfaction in marriage. In addition, no man can make you whole. True healing and wholeness are in the hands of God and God alone.

    You deleting his number, destroying his email may not work infact even if it works, it can be a very painful process….I feel you dear!…I am sure, we have all been there, done that and wore the t-shirt! but think about the flip side if you don’t do what’s best for you. You are not easy to forget dear! He just was not ready for prime time television. You need to know you are a good thing! You have to start seeing yourself the way you want guys to see you. Girl, you have got to start talking to yourself. Ask the Holyspirit to give you confidence and get rid of this victim mentality.

    You also said, “If we all knew how to choose right, we would end up with the first person we ever have a relationship with” – Maybe its time you stop doing the choosing and look unto God for guidance in directing you to the right person.

    My article will help you a bit, yes! But the word of God in you will help you even more. Get the word. Let me recommend a book to you, its written by a lady called Michelle Mckinney Hammond – “If men are like buses, then how do I catch one”….I once wrote a review for the book in my church magazine…..it gives you answers to questions like – How do you recognise the right bus (i.e, the right guy) and if you didn’t learn anything when the first bus (i.e the first guy) passed you by, how can you be sure you’ll catch the next one? Also, she wrote another book called “How to avoid ten mistakes single women make.”

    Please try and get these resources and get the Word of God in you as well.

    God bless you M and my regards to your beautiful kids.

  12. Inuke Davis says:

    @yes O
    Then what happens? You start remembering how good he made you feel even though at the back of your mind you knew he wasn’t for real.
    wow that statement you made is really profound. Someone was reading me their goodbye letter to drugs (crack) and that was exactly what he said. You remember how good made you feel, but dont stop there also remember how he made you feel at the end. Think of not only the good times but also of the bad times you had with the person. Also dont forget that we are not in this alone. It is very easy to reminsce/fantasize about past relationships but dont forget that in order to break the habit, you need the word of God and his Holy spirit to help you. It is something that I myself have been dealing with for a while and it just takes intervvention from God to get a little edge to break free. Y dont you immerse your self in God’s word and see things start to fall into place. Godbless.

    just my two cents.

  13. B says:

    Yes o

    What I have learnt is that it is better to protect yourself and not get to a position where you are trying to work a guy out of your system. Once you meet a guy and he doesn’t fit the purpose- do not indulge yourself by giving him attention and using him to ease your boredom. Anything you give attention to grows on you – If a guy is not good for you, don’t waste a second talking to him. Just let him go, otherwise, before you know it- black slowly becomes grey and what was so bad before no longer seems that bad. I know it’s not easy to work someone out, but you don’t have a choice, pray for strength to stick to your decision and immerse yourself in the word of God. You have no choice but to work the guy out – letting him stay in your life is worse for you…

  14. Tee says:

    Hi Deola,

    a friend of mine sent this link to me. i’m so very glad she did. first of all, let me congratulate you and give you the honour you are due. first for being a nigerian woman taking a stand and second and more importantly, being a christian woman on the frontline. neither one of those positions are easy or straight forward in a way we would like : ) but in all things, to God be the glory!! thank you for letting Him guide you and being the source of your wisdom.

    stay close to the river that has no end
    stay close to the river that quenches ones thirst
    stay close to the river which is your source
    stay close to the river
    stay close to Him

    take care,
    Tee

  15. Beautifulchild says:

    Trust me when I tell you. There is no good coming for those in a friendlationship! I was in one for 4 years with a person. The sad part was that I didn’t know the Lord at the time and he was a saved churchgoing brother. I kept thinking that the more he got to know me the more he’d see that I was a good person. He was a gorgeous guy, great job, wasn’t in the clubs, and good to his mother. He looked like the perfect man. He claimed he didn’t want a girlfriend.

    4 years after we met I got saved and started serving God. I was completely shocked when I realized we were going to the same church (large church). At first I was excited because I thought we could share God with one another, but he didn’t seem to have an interest in that. Once I got saved I started to wean myself off of the relationship, but it was brutal. I still spoke to him, but premarital sex was off. He still tried, but eventually stopped. Eventually He began to bring a young lady to church and he married her about 10 months later. My heart was broken. I realized that he didn’t think enough of me to share the Lord with me or to even lead me to the Lord, but it was ok for him to lead me to bed.

    He thought the world of this woman because she had a great job and had the right family background and he brought her to church to show her off. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured and I’m still going through pain because of it. Still trying to see myself as a jewel but I feel like a grasshopper 😦

  16. Teech says:

    Words of knowledge! How do i even begin, i guess we all have one story or the other to tell. I agree with the not healing completely process b4 indulging ourselves in another relationship which ends up as unhealthy as the previous. This isnt even abt a friend, its abt me! I got into my relationship (which seems like the best thing after sliced bread as at the time) He had prayed and was trusting God for a partner, i was praying as well but taking it easy, When he came along, it felt right and slowly we began to know ourselves. One mistake i made and learnt from is never let your families be involved at the very early stage and even if they are, dont subject yourself to pressure from them cos i did and i’m just one step away from regretting as the families have come together and have done the so called “family introduction”. I hate to say im stuck cos i think at the end of the day, they arent there when i go through so much unhappiness and stress in my relationship. Im posting this for ladies to understand how easy it is for us to settle for less without us realising it and how we think we can help God to help us. Im just so certain that this relationship could have been better, could have brought so much more than its bringing at the moment but because i went ahead of God, he started it and i thought i could complete it and i think HE pulled out. Im still here, struggling with a final decision, not sure of where to go and what to do, what changes to make and how to go about making these changes but i trust in God with all my heart to see me through but above all ladies, as most of us desire to be hitched and be loved, Love is not always enough, we need God to help us tolerate our loved ones and accept them and vice versa and above all, NEVER GO AHEAD OF GOD TO FINISH WHAT HE STARTED. HE WILL PULL OUT!!! I PRAY THAT GOD WILL NOT PULL OUT OF OUR SITUATIONS AND IN EVERY WAY HE HAS PULLED OUT, HIS GRACE WILL LOCATE US AND HELP US ALL IN TIMES OF NEED. SHALOM!

  17. shasha says:

    hey..can you help me please how will you know if your guarding your heart??
    and..howw wiLl you know if the guy still likes you?
    is it okey if he not have smiley at the text? T_T

  18. Lynette says:

    A variation of the saying that ” you can take horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink” can apply to many so-called “nice” or “Christian” guys (who are really undercover players). They will go the the water and stand there while “indirectly” flirting with a woman in hopes that she will “force” them to drink. Many women have done this by responding to their slick advances. they end up asking and taking him out, buying him gifts, cooking him food, doing his laundry, having sex with him, etc. in the end, he will be the one putting all of the blame and responsibility on the woman, justifying his behavior by saying it was the woman who jump to conclusions and force a relationship-not him. In his mind, whether he really believe it or not, he is just a nice guy and a stud that woman just happen to want. After all, they pursued him, he did not pursue them.

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