I said ‘YES’ too soon!

I walked over to my wardrobe and brought out the ‘aso ebi’ we wore at Temidayo and Kunle’s wedding. For my non nigerian readers, Aso-ebi is the practice of a group of people picking a particular piece of fabric to be worn by them only usually for an occasion or event. How could a wedding of four months be in the brink of crashing. I vividly remember them sealing their vow with a kiss and the way he held her so tightly as though nothing in the world could ever seperate them.  
 

Fast forward four months after – I was on my way to pick up another friend’s aso ebi when Linda called to tell me Kunle was seeing another woman. I slammed the brakes so fast, I nearly caused an accident as the cars behind me were speeding and had to halt at my sudden stop. Now, I’m not one to believe a passing rumour but I know Linda too well for her accurate news. She always made sure she did her research before telling anyone about any of her findings.  

 

“Linda, this can’t be true….Kunle wouldn’t do such a thing. Besides, if he did…it’s probably a one night stand” I said, not wanting to believe my friend could have married a pretender.  
 

“How many times have I come to you with inaccurate news Deola? Forget the matter, he flew to Spain last week to see her sef. The girl is a friend of mine and I saw both their pictures on her blackberry profile. Infact, the girl is so confident that he would leave his wife for her”. She bluttered  
 

After the conversation with Linda and a warning not to repeat the story to another soul, I rushed to Temidayo’s house unannounced. I had not seen her since the wedding and l could not believe she was the one hugging me so tight. She had lost so much weight, her hair looked like it hadn’t seen the teeth of a comb for quite a while. And I mean – a real while!  

 

“Don’t be worried Deola – I am on some kinda diet and my hair is on the verge of transformation from being chemically processed to natural……i’m tired of hair relaxers jor” she said jokingly and pulled me towards the door. I followed and acted normally.  
 

“How is our husband?” I asked  
 

“Work o! My dear….he has a wife to feed now so he has to work extra hard” she replied laughing  
 

We both laughed together.  
 

She was hiding something, I could tell the very instant I saw her. There was no way i could tell her Kunle was cheating. No way! I went visiting because I wanted to speak to her about marriage in general and how she could take matters to God if things seemed beyond her control. I myself am not married yet but I believe I have learnt so much from friends, books and teachings from my pastors to be able to help a friend in need.  

“But you know you can’t be looking this way Temidayo..you have to be looking on point o. You know men are attracted to what they see. So pls ehn, let’s go upstairs and do a make over….I feel like doing something with this your crazy hair”  

 

I pulled her off the chair and she immediately broke down in tears. “What’s the matter dear? Is there something you want to talk about?” I asked bringing her close to the three seater couch.  
“I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know who to confide in Deola. I think I want a divorce”. She said amidst tears
 

“Never! It’s not an option Temi dear, we can fight whatever it is….these are just trying times and you will fight for your marriage and most importantly come out victorious” I hugged her tightly  

“You don’t understand, I don’t know who I married. This isn’t the Kunle I dated and married. This is a complete stranger. Deola, he is never at home! He doesn’t eat my food! He doesn’t make love to me Deola….last time we had sex was two weeks after our honeymoon” she was really sobbing now.  

 

“Did she know about the other woman?” I thought  

“Do you think he is seeing another woman Deola? She asked.  

I couldn’t reveal that to her. It would shatter her to pieces.  

 

“Let’s not think that far Temi. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?”  

“I think I said yes too soon. I am married to a stranger….he is insensitive to my feelings and doesn’t care about me or our marriage”  

“Let’s talk about Sex…….have you tried approaching him? No man can ignore that certainly.” I said confidently.  

“My man can! He says I’m inexperienced and boring in bed”  

 

I was in Temidayo’s house till about 11pm and no sign of Kunle till I left.  

 
On my way home, I couldn’t help but think of the moral decedance in the society we live in today. What is this world turning into? Ofcourse Temi is inexperienced in bed because she kept herself until the night of her wedding…any man would be elated and happy about that. Why is Kunle making life difficult for her because she isn’t a pro yet? Why are some men callous and inconsiderate? Why can’t they discuss as partners on what they feel will satisfy them both?  

 

“I said yes too soon!”……Yes she did! I can not over emphasise the importance of friendship before tying the knot. A lot of us young folks underestimate marriage and think its a lovey dovey affair at all times. Temi and Kunle met, dated, got engaged and married under six months. Who would have thought he would reveal his true colours barley a month to the marriage.  

Communication is very vital in a relationship. Before you jump into marriage, get to know your partner to the extent you become best of friends. Whilst you are still unmarried, talk about the things that needs changing which if not dealt with, may cause problems later in future. There is nothing like getting married to your bestfriend, this way, communication will not be a task but something you do with ease. I always ask married couples this question – “So how is married life?” and from all the numerous answers – one keeps reoccuring over and over again – “Whatever you do, make sure you marry your friend.” When I ask, “why?” “Because sometimes when you can’t feel the love, it’s the friendship that keeps your relationship standing.”  

 

What can I say? I’ll continue praying with my friend and will do all I can to make sure the marriage survives. To anyone going through the same …I leave you with this – be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known unto God.

 

Merry Christmas!  

 

Note – I got permission from my friend before writing this article. Names of actual persons (apart from me) have not been used in this article.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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9 Responses to I said ‘YES’ too soon!

  1. Amen! Very beautiful piece. With huge lessons. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Nylah says:

    I love your article Deola though I disagree with a few things. First of all, dating and marrying your best friend is no guarantee that a marriage will work. I know a couple who met within a week. Fast forward 20 years later, they are still together. A lot of things cause stress and strain on a marriage plus the two parties have to be willing to make it work. You can date someone for 10 years, be the best of friends, marry the person and it just will not work out.
    (“I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know who to confide in Deola. I think I want a divorce”. She said amidst tears
    “Never! It’s not an option Temi dear, we can fight whatever it is….these are just trying times and you will fight for your marriage and most importantly come out victorious” I hugged her tightly). Again, I disagree with your comment here. I’m sorry, this is the huge mistake we Nigerians make! How will a man respect a woman who he knows will still take him back after he goes around sampling every other young lady’s V! Of course he will forever cheat cos he knows that the moron of a wife will be waiting at home, accepting him with open hands because the pastor or her parents or relatives or friends advised her to keep praying. I know prayers work a charm but the sooner our women realises that men will keep pushing boundaries if they let them, this culture of cheating and treating women like crap in our society will not end. Why should your friend stay and endure hell fire! Marriage should be fun, it should be smooth sailing (with a few bumps from time to time). Why should one party sit there and suffer! Already, she has grounds for divorce “ADULTERY”!! Of course you will not be the one to advise her to walk but at the same time, do not encourage her to stay and be unhappy!!!!! If she starts at this early stage to take all this, when will it end???? It gets worse my dear. That is the reality of life. Nothing stays the same.
    My advise to this girl will be, keep praying, live her life, do whatever makes her happy and she should not stress herself over a man. If he comes back fine, if he doesn’t, life goes on!! She has to be strong and not let a man, another human being, dent her confidence. It is not worth it!!!!

  3. maria says:

    Hmm deola – this is great but my dear ( I am afraid to say there is no right way or wrong way) believe me it is easy to talk from the single and unattached side ( life as a married individual is only by the grace of God) I am no preacher but people I know have been friends but yet divorced now, long term relationship holders with experience but yet divorced. Life is funny ( my advice to anyone is : pray , pray and pray) life can be unfair – life can be really unfair ( believe me I know) well my prayer goes out to ur friend ( stay blessed ppl)

  4. Sola olowa says:

    Well well well…. Patience and a lot of prayers can move mountains. Who knows if it is d wife that the Lord has put in the position to deliver the husband from the boundage of strange woman or vise versa. How many “MOTHERS” went thru hell in d hands of fathers but yet they held on to their homes dearly. Patience I say and a living faith for matter, one that belives that God makes crooked ways straight. My dear be patient pray hard. Do not let ur problems overwhelm u. Tough times don’t last but tough people do. Take care of urslf look good. For u are wonderfuly and beautifuly made. D Lord be with u. Amen

  5. Bimpe Quadri says:

    I agree with Nylah to a great extent… It’s only 4months! He’s certainly not going to change… She might hv said yes too soon but it’s much too early to treat her like junk. She doesnt deserve it. She shud get an annulment. I’ve seen arranged marriages that even work… This is the reality of the situation. There’s no need giving her false hope.

  6. lolo says:

    I agree with Maria. Every single just has to pray hard concerning choice of a life partner and every married person should continue to pray for God to keep their marraige. Only God knows the heart of a man/woman and who he/she truly is and will become after marriage. Therefore, commit all relationships to God and ask him to lead you aright. I went from single to married in 8 months and I’m having a ball but this is only by the grace of God. My husband and I were not best friends before we married. During our 8 months of courting – we only spent two months in the same town -the remaining 6 were spent apart in different towns. My advice from experience is to seek God’s face and look for Godly counsel. Make sure other people that are wiser and more mature christians also see what you see in your spouse. If you’re the only that thinks your spouse to be is God sent then you may be deceiving yourself and heading in the wrong direction. Be very clear it is God leading you to your spouse to be and not you leading yourself. It is very very easy to lead oneself in the wrong direction while thinking one is being led by God ( I know this because I have made mistakes and misled myself in the past). That’s the reason it is important to get other wise mature christians to pray with you and counsel you when deciding on a life partner.

    As for your friend, its good you’re praying for her and she’s praying for herself. Nothing is impossible with God. I’ll also recommend that you encourage h er to strengthen her mind with the right resources – good marriage books, tapes and counsel. She needs to fight both physically and spiritually to save her marriage if she wants it. Unfortunately, looking unkept and appearing depressed will not help matters. I pray the Lord strengthens her with the will, grace and power to save her marriage.

  7. B.B. says:

    Dee Dee…this is an amazing story! and really gets one thinking. I look at it in two ways. Firstly, maybe she did yes too soon. And who could blame her if she did? The pressure on women to get married by a certain age, the stigma attached to be being single, as if it’s some kind of disease or people just think something is “wrong” with you or you are just being “picky”. Going to a wedding every other weekend or seeing pictures everywhere of newlyweds or people you know or don’t know or people you even thought would never get married! Lol. All this is bound to make some women say yes too soon…..On the other hand maybe she didn’t say yes too soon. Although she feels like she did maybe she actually took her time and prayed and genuinely believed that it was a Godly relationship that would lead to a wonderful marriage…and maybe in the end, he wasn’t who God wanted for her. BUT they are already married. Believer or unbeliever, right or wrong person, marriages are ordained by God and He can turn a mistake into a miracle. A blessing or blessings can come out of the mess. This christmas we’ve been studying the genealogy of Jesus. The kind of mistakes and messy situations that occurred in His geneology..wow, you’d be amazed. For eg, people like rahab, a prostitute, tamar – she pretended to be a prostitute and slept with her father in law, david and berthsheba – murderer and adulterer…out of all this, came our Lord and saviour. He can turn it around. HOWEVER, everyone’s relationship with God is different. He may be exactly who God wanted for her and if God says stay in the marriage then stay, even if things are not going well. If God says leave, then do so. The key has and will always be to hear and obey Him…it can feel so complicated and it really is because I too get scared that I’m not married yet and may end up saying yes too soon. God help us all. 😀

  8. What an expensive experience learnt from here.Thanks for sharing this,i luv it!

  9. Justin Mensah says:

    I must say God really does work in mysterious ways; no man, and I repeat, NO MAN, shall ever understand His works! I just happened to stumble on your articles as I was searching for some info on genotypes on google and I must say, I’ve been more than blessed! I pray God bestows upon you His divine wisdom, knowledge, understanding & counsel in all you do. May He strengthen us all that we shall always walk in His Light. Amen.

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